Hidan Investigates!
by Gin-Juice
Summary: Something strange is happening at the Akatsuki base. Kakuzu is acting odd. Hidan is curious. Everyone else just wants to stop having house meetings.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Consider yourselves disclaimed.

Hidan Investigates!

Chapter One

Although they had all been living at the base together for nearly eight months, the Akatsuki had never had an official house meeting up until now.

They had never all been in the same room together up until now, either, and everyone would have preferred to keep it that way- but they had an important issue to discuss. Namely, the strange thumping noise in the walls.

Sasori cleared his throat, purely for effect, of course, since puppets have no bodily fluids to contend with. "I called the meeting, so I'll start," he said. "I'm sure all of you have noticed the noises in the walls at night."

"What?" Hidan interrupted. He was sitting the wrong way in an armchair, trying to scratch dried blood off his scythe and eat a piece of beef jerky at the same time.

"There are banging noises in the walls every night," Kisame filled him in. "It's been going on for a month. All night long. It's making me _nuts_."

"I'm sure it's just the house settling," said Kakuzu.

"Then why does it only happen at night?" Sasori asked. "I think it's a plumbing problem, personally. We should look into getting it fixed."

"There's nothing wrong with the plumbing," Kakuzu argued. "It's probably just the wind."

"I still don't know what the fuck you're talking about," said Hidan. "I haven't heard anything."

"See? No one else hears anything. It's a figment of your imagination, Sasori." Kakuzu stood up. "I've got a few errands to run, so-"

"It's not a figment of his imagination, I hear it, too!" Kisame protested, turning his teacup around in his hands and frowning. "So does Itachi. Itachi?"

"Hn," agreed Itachi.

"Me too," Deidara spoke up, pushing himself off the wall he'd been leaning against. "I think it's been getting louder, because it woke me up a couple times this week. It's so fucking annoying, un."

"Yes," said Sasori. "It is annoying, and it is real. And we need to do something about it."

Kakuzu crossed his arms. "Alright, so even if it is a problem with the plumbing, that still doesn't explain why it's only at night," he said. "I think you're worrying about nothing."

"Perhaps it's mice," suggested Zetsu. "**Or rats."**

"Maybe it's a raccoon," Hidan said.

Everyone looked at him. "Well, raccoons have little hands, don't they?" he explained defensively. "Mice and rats couldn't rearrange shit down here every morning."

"What are you talking about, un?" Deidara asked.

"I'm talking about how my stuff's never where I left it the night before when I come down for breakfast. Even when me and Kakuzu are the only ones here. And he always goes to bed way before me, seeing how he's old as fuck."

Kakuzu made a noise they may have indicated either irritation or agreement.

"We solved the mystery," Kisame said with a grin. "It's ghosts!"

Kakuzu coughed. "Don't be stupid," he said briskly. "It's the pipes. I'll look for a plumber the next time I go to the village. As a matter of fact, I'll go to the village right now."

He made a quick exit.

"That was weird, un," Deidara said.

"Yeah, well, Kakuzu's a weird guy," Hidan told him, standing up and stretching. "Is this over? Can we all leave now?"

"While we're here, I want to ask that whoever's been smoking in their room do it outside," Zetsu said. **"I can smell it in the hallway. I find it irksome."**

His eerie yellow eyes slid to Kisame, who held up his hands in a gesture of appeasement. "I quit ages ago," he said. "Haven't had a cigarette in years now."

"Hn," Itachi said approvingly. He'd used his Mangekyo Sharingan to perform a sort of hypnotherapy on Kisame not long after joining the Akatsuki, and he hadn't touched a cigarette since. Itachi considered it one of his greatest accomplishments in life.

"**Of course.** It's just a suggestion."

"While we're talking about smells, who keeps cleaning the bathrooms?" Deidara asked. "They just reek of bleach, all the time. I get a headache every time I go to take a sh-"

"Don't be disgusting, brat," Sasori snapped.

"SHOWER. They don't need to be cleaned every single day, un."

"I haven't cleaned a goddamn thing in weeks," Hidan remarked, flipping idly through a Bingo Book. "I haven't even done dishes, and I think that's supposed to be my assigned chore or some shit."

"We never assigned chores," Kisame pointed out.

None of them ever did chores, either. Dust, dishes, dirty clothes and empty takeout boxes had slowly accumulated around them during their first months in the base, until they were essentially living in rubble. They had all spent so much time sleeping outdoors or in motels that everyone had forgotten permanent residences needed to be straightened up, and by the time they remembered, things had decayed into 'weekend project' territory.

"Someone did," Hidan said. "There's a schedule in the kitchen. Fuck that, though, I never agreed to do any of that crap."

Kisame got up and went to the kitchen to confirm this. He returned with a frown, holding a sheet of paper that detailed everyone's household duties in a neatly organized chart.

"It says I'm supposed to wipe down the kitchen counters and mop the floor every night," he said, "and there's a note at the bottom that says I have to get curtains… Who _made_ this?"

They all looked around the room at each other.

"Maybe it was Kakuzu," Deidara suggested.

Kisame shook his head, reading the chart. "No. It says he's supposed to clean the two upstairs bathrooms and get three decorations for common areas. I don't think he'd give himself those jobs. I don't think he'd tell anyone to spend money on stuff like curtains and art, actually."

"What does that mean, un?" Deidara demanded. "Art isn't worth spending money on?"

"Oh, come on, that's not what I said."

"I didn't ask what you said, I asked what you meant." Deidara glowered up at Kisame. Kisame reflected that he probably looked very intimidating, to people where under 5'5".

"Ha, look at this," he said, attempting to diffuse the situation. "Here's your special assignment, Itachi: clean off the back porch and stop eating candy for breakfast."

Deidara and Hidan snickered. Sasori hid a small smile by lowering his head, and Zetsu's foliage shook in what may have been a plant laugh.

"Hn," Itachi said indignantly.

{}{}{}{}{}

No one would admit to making a chore chart for a group of grown men (although they all suspected it was Sasori), and the matter was soon forgotten.

Kakuzu had a plumber come to the base two weeks later, as promised. He spent an afternoon tinkering with the sinks and toilets, and finally concluded that the pipes were in perfect working order.

"Probably just the house settling," he said. "That'll be $120."

Kakuzu gave Sasori a pointed look and told the plumber to get lost.

No one was fully satisfied with the 'the house is settling' theory- because what does that even mean, really?- but since none of them knew much about home repair, they would have to live with it.

Then, just as they were all getting accustomed to the thumping noise, it stopped.

"It used to wake me up," Kisame complained to Hidan one early morning over breakfast. "Now I can't fall asleep without it."

"I never heard a fucking thing," said Hidan. "You guys are just too jumpy. Buncha ladies."

Itachi burst into the kitchen then, which was strange because spontaneity was very unlike him.

"Kisame," he said, tomoe spinning furiously, "I saw it again. There is someone here."

"Uh, yeah, Uchiha-hime, there are lots of people here," Hidan said. "That's how this whole living together deal works."

Itachi ignored him. "It was in the bathroom," he told Kisame. "I saw it in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth, standing behind me."

"Why don't you sit down and I'll get you some tea?" Kisame offered gently.

"Do not patronize me." But the tomoe stilled, and he sat at the table.

"Who followed you into the bathroom?" Hidan asked, as Kisame got up to prepare Itachi's tea. "If it was Deidara, I'm just saying I called that shit a year ago."

"It was not one of us," said Itachi. "I just caught a glimpse of a figure, before it vanished. I saw it once before. Perhaps a month ago."

"It vanished?" Kisame asked, handing Itachi his tea and settling back to his scrambled eggs. "You mean it used a jutsu, or…?"

Itachi shook his head. "I do not know. It was just gone."

"Oh. Well, I've never heard of anyone who can teleport away without making some kind of noise or _something_," Kisame said. "And there are a million security measures on this house, and we're all S-ranked ninjas. I don't think we should worry too much."

"We are a group of S-rank ninjas in a secured base who cannot sense an intruder," Itachi said. "We must worry."

Hidan looked thoughtful. "You know, there might be somebody here," he said. "I always get up before everybody else to do my morning prayers, and there was already a pot of coffee when I came into the kitchen. _I'm_ always the one who makes the coffee."

"Uh… is that the coffee you're drinking right now?" Kisame asked.

"Yeah. It's good. Even better than what I make." Hidan took another sip.

Itachi and Kisame stared at him. "So, you found a mysterious pot of coffee, made by persons unknown, and you decided to drink it," Kisame clarified. "What kind of ninja are you?"

"The immortal kind," Hidan retorted. "I can eat and drink whatever I want, and I never get sick. It's a pretty good trick to pull on people, seriously. On our first mission, I got Kakuzu to bet me I wouldn't eat a handful of mud. He lost $40. Then he cut out my spleen and threw it in a pond." He smiled proudly at the memory.

"Hn," Itachi said in disgust.

"Congratulations on your windfall," said Kisame, rolling his eyes. "I'm going to go check out the bathroom. If someone just used a jutsu in there, Samehada should be able to get a taste of their chakra signature."

He headed upstairs, trailed by Itachi and Hidan (who was still drinking his possibly poisoned coffee).

"Okay," he said, pausing outside the bathroom. "You guys stand back so she doesn't get confused and try to feed off you."

"'She?'" Hidan asked as Kisame unwrapped Samehada. "How'd you decide a fucking sword is a girl? 'She' is the ugliest bitch _I've_ ever seen."

"Shut up," Kisame explained. He stepped into the bathroom. His sword shivered in delight at being unbound, and its scales rustled around eagerly like pigs looking for truffles, but it soon wilted in disappointment.

"Nothing here," announced Kisame. "Must have been a trick of the li- oh, _shit_."

He squinted at the mirror over the sink.

"Yes?" Itachi prompted. "What is it?"

"Come look- wait, here, let me put Samehada's dress back on first."

Hidan watched while Kisame wound the bandages around it again. "'Her dress?'" he echoed scornfully. "Un-be-fucking-lievable."

Once they saw what had caught Kisame's attention, all interest in his relationship with his sword evaporated. Itachi took a step backwards from it, looking stricken; Hidan, although he wasn't the type who frightened easily, felt ice rush through his veins.

In the same clear, neat hand that the chore chart had been written in, there was a message printed in toothpaste on the mirror.

'_You need more soap,'_ it said.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Also: Thanks for the review/follows/favorites. I actually have this whole things written, so I'm just updating as I finish making revisions.

Hidan Investigates!

Chapter Two

The Akatsuki's second house meeting was far more tense than the first, partially because it was about a suspected security breach, partially because it was called at eight in the morning, and partially because it involved seven grown men crammed into a small bathroom.

"Why would someone sneak in to watch Itachi take a leak, and then remind us to get more soap?" Deidara asked irritably. "One of you did it as a joke, un. I'm going back to bed."

"You stay here, brat," Sasori ordered. "This is serious. We need to alert Pein-sama."

"There's no need," said Zetsu. "No one's here."

"How would you know?" Sasori asked.

"It's my job to know," he answered. "No one comes in without my knowledge. **No one leaves without my permission."**

Everyone considered that. The implications were unsettling, but they were not the most unsettling thing going on at the moment.

"Samehada couldn't sense any chakra," said Kisame. "Itachi said this… person disappeared, so if they used a jutsu, there should have been at least some small trace left over."

"Well, after they disappeared, did you look around to make sure they weren't hiding somewhere?" Kakuzu asked Itachi. "Or did you just run screaming to Kisame?"

Itachi regarded him coldly. "Of course I looked. They were gone."

"Alright. So someone popped up out of nowhere and then vanished, but they weren't hiding, and they didn't use a jutsu to escape," Kakuzu summarized. "I think the simplest explanation here is that you're seeing things, Uchiha."

"What about the message?" Sasori asked. "Explain that."

Kakuzu paused. "I wrote that," he said. "It was a joke."

Hidan narrowed his eyes.

"You're a fucking idiot, un!" Deidara exclaimed before he could speak, throwing up his hands in exasperation. "Getting us all out of bed at eight in the morning for _this_..."

No one stopped him from stalking off down the hallway this time. He hadn't been contributing much to the meeting, anyway.

"Did you really write that on the mirror?" Sasori asked doubtfully.

Kakuzu nodded.

"What about that chore thing? Did you make that, too?"

"Yes," Kakuzu confessed. "I thought the base was getting to be hazardous."

Sasori looked him over, and nodded in satisfaction. "I never knew you had such a strange sense of humor. Stop doing things like this, and act like an adult."

He swept off to his basement lair/puppet factory.

"It was not you I saw in the mirror," Itachi said. "I would have recognized you."

"You're seeing things," Kakuzu repeated. "Try turning your Sharingan off once in a while."

"Hn," Itachi huffed, before, he too retreated to his room, probably to eat his daily breakfast of Mallo Cups in private.

"Well, my eggs must be cold now," remarked Kisame, giving Kakuzu a reproachful look. "Guess I'll have to find something else to eat."

When Hidan and Kakuzu were alone in the bathroom, Hidan spoke.

"You didn't write that note as a joke," he said. "You were asleep up until twenty minutes ago. And besides, you wouldn't know a joke if it swam up your ass in the bathtub."

Kakuzu didn't answer.

"What's going on? There_ is_ someone else here, isn't there?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Kakuzu snapped. "Of course there isn't. I'm going back to bed, too. Don't bother waking me up the next time Itachi thinks he sees a fairy or some bullshit, either."

He skulked away.

Being immortal, Hidan wasn't afraid of an intruder powerful enough to elude all seven of them, and being disinterested in Akatsuki aside from the pay, he wasn't upset that Kakuzu might be hiding such a person in the base.

Being nosy, however, he was interested in this person's identity, what Kakuzu wanted with them, and why in the _world _they would reveal themselves for the purpose of telling them to replace the soap in the bathroom.

Something strange was happening here, and Hidan would get to the bottom of it.

{}{}{}{}{}

A Week Later

Sasori and Deidara had just returned from a difficult mission in Earth Country. It was immediately clear upon seeing them that this time, success had come at a price.

Deidara was limping, bedraggled, and walking on foot, something he only did when he was clean out of clay to make a bird, and looked as though he hadn't slept in a month. Sasori couldn't show his fatigue physically, of course, but he was dragging the remaining three-quarters of Hiroku behind him with a chakra string, and one of his arms was missing.

Neither of them spoke to anyone as they entered the base. Sasori locked himself into his workshop to do whatever Sasori did to unwind, and Deidara hauled himself up to his bedroom.

He collapsed onto the bed with a groan, marveling at how good it felt to have a place to call home at times like this, when it struck him that something was amiss.

He sat up and looked around the room. Normally, whenever he came in, he would have to pick his way around a minefield of undetonated clay that he had set up as a security measure, but today the carpet was clean. It looked freshly vacuumed, as a matter of fact.

Forgetting his exhaustion, he got up and stormed back downstairs.

Kisame and Zetsu were in the living room, playing karuta.

"OI!" he shouted.

Kisame glanced at him briefly. "Hey, Deidara. How was the mission?"

"Terrible! And someone's been in my room!"

"What makes you say that?"

"Someone vacuumed the carpet in there. And I had stuff in the carpet that was there for a reason, and I never said anyone could go in my room, because that's private, un!"

Realizing that he sounded like a petulant 12-year-old shouting at their siblings, Deidara threw himself down onto a sofa.

"No one would go in your room," said Zetsu, examining his hand. **"You stink of sulfur. I imagine your room would be even worse."**

Deidara gasped in indignation. "You! You… begonia fucker!"

"**Only if your mother is a begonia."**

Kisame snickered. Deidara responded by getting up and flipping their table over.

"THERE!" he shrieked as cards fluttered to the ground around him. "NOW WHO'S THE BEGONIA FU- wait, I guess it's still you, un." He was very tired. It had been a long mission.

"I think maybe you should go lay down for a while," Kisame suggested, eyeing him warily.

"I still want to know who went in my room," he insisted. "It better not have been Itachi, un."

"He wouldn't do that," said Kisame. "Itachi doesn't like getting into other people's business. The only person I could see going in there would be Hidan, but he wouldn't vacuum it."

Hidan himself chose that moment to enter the room, holding several blood-soaked shirts.

He threw one against the wall. "None of you mothers better pick that up," he ordered sternly.

"Why don't you pick it up, un?" Deidara asked, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "That's nasty."

"I'm conducting an experiment," Hidan said. "It's part of my investigation into all the weird shit that keeps happening around here. Also, I want you all to tell me about anything unusual or mysterious or unexplainable or whatever-the-fuck that you notice."

"Things that make you go 'hmm?'" Kisame joked. Alas, he was the only one in the room who knew that song.

"Well, someone vacuumed my room while I was away," said Deidara. "I don't suppose you'd know anything about that, un?"

"Not yet, but I will," Hidan promised. He pulled a small memo pad and a pen out of his pocket and jotted something down. "Where's Sasori? In his dungeon? I have to go tell him, too."

He paused on his way out and stuck his head back in the room. "Don't mention my investigation to Kakuzu. And seriously, don't pick up any of these shirts. I have _no_ idea whose blood's on them."

{}{}{}{}{}

Hidan gaped at Sasori. Sasori glared back, looking as embarrassed as it was possible for someone made of wood to look.

"Are you… are you having a tea party?" Hidan asked.

"No. What do you want?"

"But you are. You're having a fucking tea party!"

Sasori had dressed five of his more human looking puppets up in civilian clothes and seated them around a small table. There were no cups or plates and there wasn't even a tea pot, but Hidan could only assume it wasn't serving time yet.

"It is not a tea party. What do you _want_?"

"Well, it's not why I came down here, but now I want to know how I can get an invite," Hidan snickered. "Also, are you going to have those little sandwiches with no crusts? I fucking love those things."

"You are being juvenile," said Sasori. "Why did you come down here, if not to harass me?"

"_I'm_ being juvenile?! You're the one about to serve tea that none of you can drink to a bunch of fucking dolls!"

"They are not dolls," Sasori said impatiently, "and not that it's your business, but it's a PTA meeting. We're about to divide up responsibilities for the annual bake sale, and then Mrs. Honda is going to review the new school dress code. Now- _what do you want_?"

Hidan, who had just noticed that one of the puppets looked a lot like Sasori himself, and that it was resting its wooden hand on the knee of a female-looking puppet, wanted to forget this glimpse into Sasori's oddly mundane, yet eerie, fantasy world- but he had business to attend to first.

"Uh… right. I'm conducting an investigation. Into the strange stuff that's been going on. So if you see anything, or notice anything weird, let me know."

"Fine. Someone swept up all the wood shavings on the floor while I was gone."

Hidan wrote this down in his notebook. Evidence was piling up even faster than he had imagined it would.

"Is that all?" Sasori asked, tapping his foot.

"Yeah, that's about it."

"Then good-bye."

Sasori slammed the door in Hidan's face. He stood there for a moment, trying to make sense of what had just happened, and heard a squeaky, faux-feminine voice coming from inside.

"Ooh, I have a new recipe for brownies that I've been just _dying_ to try out!"

Time to leave. Jashin-sama might have advocated sacrificial murder and random violence, but Hidan was pretty sure even He would have found whatever was going on in there unholy.

{}{}{}{}{}

He knocked on Itachi's bedroom door next.

"What?"

"It's Hidan. I wanted to let you know that I'm investigating all the cleaning and junk that's been happening, so if you see anything unusual-"

The door opened a crack. Itachi peered out at him.

"I saw that person in the bathroom," he said.

"Tell me something I don't know already."

"That person was not a fairy," insisted Itachi, "and I am not seeing things."

"Okay?"

"I do not need to deactivate my Sharingan. My vision is perfectly fine."

"Sure thing, pal. Have you seen anything besides the mysterious disappearing man with your perfect vision?"

Itachi paused. "Someone gave me a glass of water."

"Seriously? Is someone being nice to you your idea of unusual? This is exactly why I try to avoid talking to you, Uchiha, you're fucking _depressing_."

"I... had a cold last week," Itachi explained. "I was coughing in the kitchen. When I looked up, there was a glass of water on the table in front of me. I do not think it was there before, but I can't be certain."

"So… a glass of water appeared suddenly… and Itachi spreads germs all over the house," Hidan scribbled. "Good to know. Thanks, Uchiha-hime."

"Hn," Itachi groused.

{}{}{}{}{}

The next morning, Hidan rose earlier than usual to pray and check on the status of the filthy shirts he had planted around the house.

Just as he had expected, none of them were where he'd left them. It was possible that someone else had gotten sick of looking at bloody rags and thrown them out, but Hidan had controlled for this variable by hiding one under a couch cushion, one in a covered pot in the refrigerator, and one under the kitchen sink with the cleaning supplies, where no one _ever_ looked.

He rushed to the laundry room, heart pounding with excitement, and found all eight shirts washed, dried, and neatly folded in a laundry basket. He picked one up; it smelled of fabric softener. None of his compatriots ever smelled like fabric softener.

What was more, he had hidden the eighth shirt on the roof. The fact that someone had collected it told him that they had probably seen him put it there, and that they probably _wanted_ to be found out. Whose normal cleaning routine included the roof?

He sat on top of the drier and opened his notebook to review what he had found so far.

First and foremost, this person was a total clean freak. Second, they could move very quickly, or possibly teleport without leaving behind any chakra. Third, they were making almost no effort to avoid detection. Fourth, they smoked. He wasn't sure if that was significant or not, but it was evidence.

All this added up to absolutely nothing, so Hidan decided to go have breakfast and look for more clues later.

Maybe, he thought as he made his coffee, Kakuzu had smuggled a maid with superpowers into the house. Or maybe Itachi, who for some reason was the only one to have actually seen anything, was playing an elaborate prank on them all. Or maybe they were being haunted by a very inept ghost.

…Wait.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Thank for the reviews guys! Someone guessed it was Konan behind everything because she hasn't been mentioned- I actually just imagined that Pein and Konan don't live with the rest of the Akatsuki, being the leaders and all. Not that I'm saying it _isn't_ her, though.

Hidan Investigates!

Chapter Three

If the first two house meetings were tense, the third was downright mutinous.

"It is _seven_ in the _morning_," complained a bleary eyed Deidara. "This had better be an emergency, Hidan."

"It is," he promised. "I think I've solved the mystery, guys: we have a ghost!"

He beamed at them all proudly.

"…You're not serious," said Kisame.

"I'm dead fucking serious! There is a ghost in this house, and it likes to keep things clean."

Sasori sighed and crossed his arms. "There's something wrong with you. I think that part of your brain is actually physically missing."

"Seven!" shrieked Deidara.

"Shut up for two goddamn seconds, and I'll explain it to you fucktards," Hidan said patiently. "There are lots of strange things happening, and all the evidence points to a ghost, but-"

"There is no evidence in the world that could point to a ghost, because there's no such thing as ghosts," said Kisame, sinking into a chair. "And while we're down here, are you at least going to finish making that coffee? There's no way I'm getting back to sleep after this."

"There's no time for fucking coffee! We have to hold a séance," Hidan informed everyone. "All you assholes sit down and hold hands, right now."

"This is foolish," Itachi spoke up, sounding almost annoyed, "and this is not an emergency."

"Sure it is! Emergency séance. Now, sit down."

"What purpose would a séance serve, if you're already certain the house is haunted?" asked Zetsu. **"You're a priest. Exorcise it."**

"Why the hell would I want to do that? All it does is pick up after us," Hidan pointed out. "It's a useful ghost."

"So the house is haunted, but it's a friendly ghost, and you don't want to get rid of it, but you still woke us all up at _seven in the morning_ to tell us about it?" Kisame asked. "You're better than TV, Hidan, there's never a dull moment with you around."

"**I'll ask again.** What's the point of the séance?"

Hidan didn't know. He hadn't thought that far into it. "To… introduce ourselves. I mean, you wouldn't let someone you never fucking met just move in with you, right? We just need to make sure he- or she- is a good roommate and all that shit."

"I think I hate you," Deidara muttered to himself, looking at Hidan as though he was seeing him for the first time.

"I'm going back to my workshop," said Sasori.

There was a general murmur of consent, and everyone except Hidan and Kisame started to leave the room.

"Yeah, Sasori, I'm sure you have to get back to your PTA meeting," Hidan called snidely after him.

He froze.

"Fine," he said in a calm, quiet voice, turning around slowly. "I'll indulge you in this nonsense. Just keep it short."

Everyone else was watching in confusion. Sasori was the most senior member of Akatsuki, a superb shinobi, and generally regarded as a rational, intelligent sort of person whose judgment was most always solid. The rest of them were too cynical to look up to him, exactly, but he had set the standard of behavior since they moved in together, and they all followed his lead where domestic matters were concerned.

He sat at the table.

"Come on then," he said. "If it'll shut this fool up, we may as well."

"What's he talking about, danna?" Deidara ventured. "What PTA meeting? You don't have any kids, un."

"Mind your business. Come sit down so we can get this over with."

Deidara and Zetsu sat. Itachi leaned against the counter. Kakuzu stood in the doorway with his arms crossed.

"This is stupid," he said.

"You're stupid," Hidan retorted, "and you're also not invited to my séance, because I'm pretty fucking sure this is all your fault."

"It's a waste of your time," he insisted, an edge of urgency to his voice. "There's no ghost!"

"There is!" Hidan snapped. "Why don't you go back to bed, shit-breath?"

Kakuzu kicked the wall in frustration. "Fine! Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Alright," Hidan said once he had left, turning to everyone else. "Let's get started!"

In all honesty, he had no idea how to go about holding a séance. He'd brought some religious candles down from his room and arranged them on the table for ambience, but after that, he was stuck. He figured he could just wing it; the ghost would get his point, surely.

"Are you really going to make us hold hands?" Kisame asked, eyeing Deidara.

"Yeah! It's for… spiritual unity." No one looked convinced.

He reached down to grab Sasori and Zetsu's hands and settled them on the table. Sasori's was freezing cold from being in the basement and Zetsu's was warm and moist. Hidan couldn't decide which was worse.

"You guys think about ghosts, and I'll do all the talking. Okay, here we go. Dear ghost," he started.

"Are you writing a letter?" muttered Sasori.

"DEAR GHOST, we're gathered here today to ask you to show yourself to us. We don't mean you any harm. So… uh… come out, ghost!"

Nothing happened.

"Ghost, I vouched for your existence, and now you're making me look like an asshole," Hidan said in a warning tone. "Come out now, seriously!"

Itachi stifled a cough with his elbow.

"You're pissing me the fuck off, you dead sack of crap!" Hidan exploded. "I know you're here, you goddamn poultry-geist!"

"Poltergeist," Itachi murmured.

"Shut up! I wasn't- _do you smell that?"_

The scent of cigarette smoke was fleeting, but unmistakable.

"Smell what?" asked Sasori. "All I smell is your candles and Deidara."

"No one else had time to take a shower either, un!" Deidara protested.

"Fuck that! It was the ghost!" cried Hidan. "I told you jerkoffs! I told you!"

Itachi pushed himself away from the counter. "Believe that if you wish. I am going back to bed, if we are finished."

"Me too," said Zetsu. **"I get short tempered when I don't get enough sleep."**

Deidara snuck a furtive sniff under his arm, glared at Hidan, and followed them out wordlessly.

Sasori cleared his throat. "I'm going to my workshop. I trust that you and I are even now."

"Sure thing, doll-fucker," Hidan said sulkily.

Sasori left.

Hidan heaved a sigh. This had been a monumental waste of time. He was fully convinced now that there was a ghost, but apparently no one else was, and he had gotten no closer to finding out who it was or what it wanted. Or, most important of all, what Kakuzu had to do with it.

Kisame was watching him.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I could smell a cigarette," he said. "Do you have… I don't know, some kind of ability to sense spirits? Since you're a priest?"

Hidan considered it. "Yes," he lied.

"Oh." Kisame leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling. "Okay. I believe you then. So, what should we do?"

"Uhh… I think we should have another séance," Hidan decided, "at night. Ghosts like to come out at night, you know." He had no idea if this was true, but it sounded plausible.

"Alright," agreed Kisame. "Should we do it at midnight? Midnight always seems like an important time in ghost stories."

"Yeah. At midnight tonight, we'll do it in the bathroom where Itachi saw it."

"Okay. Should I bring Zetsu?"

Hidan looked at him. "I guess. Why Zetsu?"

"He believes in ghosts. Or at least, his black side does. His white side is more of a science person," Kisame explained.

"…Holy fuck. Okay. Bring Zetsu's crazy ass to the séance, why not?" Hidan got up. "I'm going to go take a nap, then I'll purify myself to get ready. You go to the village and get a cat or something for tonight."

"A cat?" Kisame repeated. "Like… an actual, living cat, you mean?"

"Yes, a live cat! What the hell would we do with a dead one?"

"Well… what are we going to do with a live one?" Kisame narrowed his eyes. "We're not going to sacrifice it, are we?"

Hidan scoffed. Kisame clearly knew nothing about sacrifices. "Of course not, dumbass, a cat isn't a very flattering offering. It's because animals and babies are more sensitive to ghosts. So unless you want to kidnap someone's kid, go get a fucking cat.

"Trust me," he encouraged when Kisame still looked doubtful. "I'm a priest."

{}{}{}{}{}

Hidan, Zetsu, and Kisame met in the bathroom at five minutes to midnight, cat in tow.

"I found it in an alley," Kisame told Hidan. "I think it's sick. It keeps making this weird coughing noise."

"This is ridiculous," commented Zetsu, eyeing the candles on the edge of the bathtub with disdain. **"Shut up. **I told you I didn't want to come here. **You're being a child. I hate children."**

The cat demonstrated the weird coughing noise for everyone.

Hidan huffed in irritation. His second séance was off to an ever worse start than the first one.

"Let's just do this."

He made them join hands, as they had the first time, and recited a Jashinist prayer.

"Lord Jashin-sama, defender of liars, murderers, and bad guys, to you we pray. We ask for your divine protection and savage guidance. We swear to mightily fuck those who do not walk your bloody path of righteousness. We promise to keep evil in our hearts, weapons in our hands, and the eyeballs of your enemies in our pockets. FUCK YEAH, JASHIN-SAMA!"

The cat coughed again.

"Someday," said Kisame, "you're going to have to explain to me what Jashinism's deal is. I just don't get it."

"Yeah, well, you're a heathen," Hidan said. "Now, let's talk to the ghost. Dear ghost, I want to say that-"

The cat, which had been lazing in Kisame's lap, suddenly hissed and raised its hackles. It dashed under the sink, where it crouched tense and ready to pounce.

"**Go on,"** Zetsu urged. **"Don't stop now.** You might as well stop now, this is pointless. **SHHH!"**

"I just want to say that I'm sorry we started off on the wrong foot. But _seriously_, ghost, you just left me hanging there with my thumb up my ass in front of everybody-"

Several things happened in quick succession. First, the mirror shattered. Even in the dark, the outline of a fist reaching out of the wall and through the glass was visible, but their attention was redirected to the shower, which had turned on by itself. Kisame got up to turn it off, but the knob was stuck; they watched it spray with more and more force until spidery cracks began to spread across the floor of the bathtub. It shut off suddenly, and there was a split second of silence until the door slammed open, hard enough to crack the plaster on the wall next to it.

"Well," Kisame said after a moment, "_tha_t wasn't very friendly."

"No shit! I apologized for earlier. Our ghost is kind of a bitch."

"**You think it's female?"**

"Obviously. Only a woman would freak out like that," Hidan said wisely. "It's because they're so emotional."

Kisame and Zetsu looked at each other. Being missing-nins in a dangerous crime organization didn't afford the Akatsuki much time for romance, but Hidan would be single for his whole immortal life.

"Kakuzu's going to shit bricks when he sees this mess tomorrow," he went on. "Bet we never get that hole in the wall over there fixed."

"I'm more worried about having an angry, violent ghost in the house," Kisame said. "Do you think maybe we should, you know, get rid of it?"

"Nah. She might be mad now, but that was just a hissy fit. She'll be right back to cleaning tomorrow."

"Uh… well, she- or he, or whatever- did stab you with a kunai," pointed out Kisame.

Hidan frowned. "What?"

He looked down at himself, and sure enough, there was a kunai sticking out of his abdomen. "Oh." He pulled it out. "It was in my wound from my purification ritual this afternoon. I couldn't even feel it. Heh, that's kind of funny."

"Maybe you have nerve damage," Zetsu suggested in concern. "Not being able to feel a stab wound can't be a good thing."

"It's fine. My nerves grow back. Wish they didn't, though."

"But the ghost?" Kisame prodded.

"Let me sleep on it," said Hidan. "I'll figure something out tomorrow."

Itachi appeared in the doorway.

"You are being loud," he complained. "I am trying to sleep."

"Sorry, Itachi." Kisame stood up and brushed a shard of glass from his shoulder. "I think we're all going to bed now."

Itachi was looking around at the damaged bathroom. "What happened in here?"

"Uh…"

The cat, which was still under the sink, coughed. Itachi leaned down to look at it. He, too, coughed.

"Whose cat is this?"

"No one's. It was a stray."

Itachi nodded and scooped the dirty, bony thing off the floor. "Now it is mine."

They could hear him whisper "Your name is Mr. Mochi," to it as he left.

"I would have taken the cat," Zetsu said, sounding miffed.

"Really? I didn't think you were in the market for a pet," said Kisame. "Sorry."

"Ah, it's fine. Too bony, anyway. **I prefer my meat tender."**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Thanks once again for the reviews, and thanks for sticking around to read this. Only one chapter left after this one!

Hidan Investigates!

Chapter Four

Kakuzu interrupted Hidan's prayers the next morning by barging into his room with a tea tray.

"Fucking excuse you! I'm in the middle of something here, if you didn't notice!"

Kakuzu put the tea tray on the night stand and sat on his bed heavily. "I saw the bathroom," he said.

"And you just couldn't wait to bitch me out about it, could you? Screw you, Kakuzu," Hidan snarled.

"You have to exorcise it," he said, staring at the wall. "You have to exorcise the ghost."

"I don't have to do anything. That ghost does my laundry, I'm not going to kick it out for a little cut." He grabbed a clean shirt off his dresser and pressed it against his bleeding chest. Kakuzu didn't look like he was going to clear out anytime soon; he'd have to get back to his ritual later.

Kakuzu took a deep breath. "If you don't," he said in a measured tone, "I will cut every organ in your body into a dozen pieces, and bury them all over Rain Country. You are _going_ to exorcise this ghost."

Hidan blinked. He was used to Kakuzu being in homicidal rages, and even used to Kakuzu slicing off bits of his person. He was not used to Kakuzu making calm and methodical threats. This sounded serious.

"Uh… okay? Why do you even care?"

"Why do you think? Here." Kakuzu tossed him a book. "Turn to page 146. It describes an exorcism. The book's fiction, but the ritual is real- everything you need is on the tray. Do it now."

Hidan looked at the book. It was called _The River God_, and it looked about the same age as his partner.

"Why don't you do it, if you suddenly care so much?" he asked. "And take this book back, it smells like fucking moth balls and death."

"It calls for a priest." Kakuzu stood up. "I'm going to stand outside your door, and if you try to leave before you get rid of the ghost, I will dissect you. Do we understand each other?"

"Whatever."

Kakuzu flung a senbon at him with lightning speed; it stuck in his left eye.

"GOD_DAMNIT_, KAKUZU! Did you dip that in lemon juice?! _Why does it burn so much_?!" He pulled it out, taking his eyeball with it. "Well, this is just fantastic! Thanks a million, _partner_!"

"Exorcise the ghost," Kakuzu said calmly, "and I'll reattach your optic nerve. I suggest you get started now."

He left and slammed the door behind him.

{}{}{}{}{}

The ritual the book described was simple. It called for the exorcist to make a circle of salt on the ground while saying a prayer, and then sit in it and eat a light meal. After every bite, he had to offer some to the spirit. If the spirit accepted, it would cross over the next realm peacefully.

If it didn't, one of two things would happen: a powerful exorcist would force a not-so-powerful spirit into the afterlife just by finishing the food, or, if they were more evenly matched, the priest would have to say the same prayer over and over until the ghost was banished.

The book warned him that this option would piss the ghost off royally, and it would likely trash the room while he prayed. It also said that it could take upwards of a week, since spirits don't get tired, and that a famous monk had once died of exhaustion seconds after ridding a house of a powerful demon.

The part of the process that upset Hidan the most, though, was the fact that the meal he had to eat consisted primarily of vegetables.

"Can't I have bacon?" he called to Kakuzu. "No one even eats shit like carrots for breakfast!"

"No," came Kakuzu's muffled voice through the door. "I gave you what the ritual calls for."

"I'll eat two mouthfuls of peas for every piece of bacon you give me," Hidan bargained.

"EAT WHAT I GAVE YOU."

"Fine! Don't blame me if I barf and fuck this whole thing up, though!"

He made the ring of salt as the book said to, and sat down with the tea tray.

He took a bite of brown rice mixed with carrots first. "Want some of this, ghost? You can have the rest if you want, I don't give a fuck."

Nothing.

He sighed and took another bite. "Come on, ghost. Have some."

Still nothing. Third bite. "Mmm, delicious. I'll share."

No answer. Fourth bite. "COME EAT THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

Hidan tempted and cursed his way through the rice, a bland, dry chunk of bread, and a watery cup of tea.

"Don't forget the peas," Kakuzu reminded him.

"I ate them already," Hidan lied.

"No you didn't."

How did he know? Hidan dumped them out onto the floor. "Oh, no, the ghost knocked the bowl out of my hand!" he called. "They don't like peas, either! You're making a mess, ghost, stop!"

Kakuzu sighed. "Hidan…"

"What? I told you, you should have given me the damn bac- HEY!"

His scythe, which had been leaning against the wall, fell down and sliced through his shoulder.

"OW! What the fuck's your problem?"

"What's happening?" Kakuzu demanded. "Start saying the prayer!"

Hidan snatched the scythe off the floor and tucked it under his remaining arm for safekeeping. He was not going to allow a being with no body to hack him to pieces with his own weapon.

"Should I tell you what's happening or say the prayer?" he yelled snidely. "You'll have to pick one!"

Kakuzu made a strangled noise. "How about you keep making smartass comments?" he said. "That's the most constructive thing to do right now, surely."

"I can do that all day, dickhead! Your mom's so fat, she-"

"SAY. THE PRAYER."

"Spirit, leave this place; the living world is no longer your own. Spirit, leave this- SPIRIT, stop THROWING SHIT at me, SERIOUSLY!"

He had just been clocked in the head with the empty teacup. The drawers of his dresser were rattling behind him; he really, really hoped that they wouldn't come flying at him next.

"Don't get distracted! Keep going, you idiot!"

"You- ugh!- Spirit, leave this place…"

The lights were blinking on and off. The window shattered. He could hear the scraping of his bed moving across the floor, pulled by an invisible force. Apparently, the ghost had decided to go for broke.

"…the living world is no longer your own. OH- _really_?"

A handful of peas had just been flung in his face. One landed in his empty, bloody eye socket.

"You're a little bitch! GOD, you're so lucky you can't die twice, you fucking-"

"Hidan!"

"I know! Shut your fucking mouth, Kakuzu, I'm doing my best here, I only have one arm and one eye at the moment!"

"One arm? What did you- Just keep going!"

"Stop distracting me! Spirit…"

It was trying to grab his scythe now. He wound his arm around it and kicked at nothing.

"…leave this place…"

For a dead person, the ghost was strong, he had to give it that. It wrenched the scythe to one side and he heard (and felt) his arm break at his elbow, but kept going with the prayer.

"…the living world…"

He saw it, for half a second, standing in front of him as it raised the scythe to slice his head off. He tried to focus his one eye on its face, but flinched in spite of himself as it swung down.

"…isnolongeryourown!"

He felt the blade hit his jugular, and then…

{}{}{}{}{}

"There. He's waking up."

Hidan opened his eyes, both of which were now in working order, to see Kakuzu and Sasori leaning over him. He was in the medical bay.

"What happened?" he asked.

"You passed out from blood loss, I think," said Kakuzu. "He cut off your head."

"'He?'" asked Sasori.

Kakuzu ignored him. "Can you see out of both eyes?"

"Yeah. What the fuck happened? Did I win?"

"I believe so." Kakuzu straightened up and looked away. "The salt was in a pile in your room. That's what's supposed to happen, if the exorcism works."

"Ha, awesome!" Hidan crowed, sitting up. "My first exorcism! I feel like you guys owe me some money for my services. Kakuzu, give me $200- that's my discount rate."

"Oh, go fuck yourself," Kakuzu snapped, storming out of the room.

"You just bumped yourself up to $500, pal!" Hidan called after him. He turned to Sasori. "Congratulate me."

"Congratulations," Sasori intoned.

"Tell me I was right about there being a ghost."

Sasori rolled his eyes. "You were right about there being a ghost."

"Give me $500."

"Good-bye, Hidan."

"Share the story of my victory with the rest of the PTA!" he ordered as Sasori left.

He smiled in satisfaction. His investigation had been a smashing success: he was right, everyone else was wrong, he'd picked up a new talent, and he had a story to tell for the rest of his life. Who could ask for more? He supposed finding out what Kakuzu had to do with all this would be the cherry on top, but that was another investigation for another day.

He glanced around the room happily.

…What a mess. There was blood just _everywhere_. He guessed his room probably looked even worse.

Ah, well. The med bay wasn't his problem, and he could live with the wreckage in his room; he'd spent a whole year living in caves, after all.

Hidan slid off the exam table and stretched. He noticed, as he did so, that the arm that had been chopped off had been reattached so that his palm was facing upwards.

Fucking Kakuzu.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Well, here's the final chapter! Thank you guys so much for all the reviews, follows, and favorites. I hope you enjoyed reading.

Hidan Investigates!

Chapter Five

Two Months Earlier

Kakuzu tapped his razor at the edge of the sink and examined his reflection in the mirror.

He and Hidan had just returned from a three week long mission in Wind Country, most of which they had spent sleeping outside; as a result, he hadn't had the chance to shave the irritating scruff that had been growing under his mask. It was the first thing he went to do once they got back to the base, even before unpacking.

Satisfied with the results, he grabbed the slightly musty hand towel off the rack next to him and began to pat his face dry.

"Ugh," someone sighed from behind him.

Kakuzu whirled around.

There was no one there, and he couldn't sense anyone else's chakra when he felt for it- but he had heard someone speak, and Kakuzu was a man who always trusted his instincts.

"Show yourself," he commanded.

There was no response.

Kakuzu hesitated. He wasn't superstitious. He had, however, been raised in a time when people believed in the supernatural more readily than they did now, and this was not the first hint he'd gotten that _something_ was following him.

They were only little things; a whiff of cigarette smoke when he and Hidan were the only people around for miles, the snapping of a twig that no one had stepped on, the sensation that someone was sitting next to him during his watch, while Hidan slept.

"I know you're there," he said, in a softer tone. "Welcome to my house. Can I get you some tea?"

He had been taught long, long ago that this was the magic phrase that would entice all non-malevolent spirits to reveal themselves. If you were a good host, the reasoning was, then a gentle spirit would feel compelled to be a good guest and answer you; if they didn't, it was probably time to call for a monk.

"No one's said _that_ in a long time," said a gloomy voice.

A tall, thin man was standing in front of him. He was wearing a plain black shinobi uniform, the kind that had been out of style for years, with the same type of head covering Kakuzu himself still favored; his hitai-ate bore the symbol of the Village Hidden in the Swamp, which had been destroyed decades earlier by the Four-Tails. He was holding a lit cigarette.

"No one has manners anymore," he lamented.

"Uh," Kakuzu said cleverly.

"But then, you're much older than you look, aren't you? Probably almost the same age as me. Us ghosts can tell these things, you know."

"How?" Kakuzu asked. He had never met a ghost before, and he supposed he ought to make the most of the experience.

The ghost shrugged. "You pick up some extra senses when you die. It's a trade off, I guess. I can also tell that that towel you're holding is about to start growing mildew. You really should wash it. And everything else around here, to be honest."

"Oh." Kakuzu rubbed at his face. "That's interesting. I should probably ask why you're here."

"You could ask my name first," the ghost said reproachfully.

"What's your name?"

"I'm Sho. And you're Kakuzu, and your partner is Hidan. It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too. Were you following us? On our mission?"

"On your return trip, yes. I have a friend who haunts the Wind Daimyo's estate- we saw your fight with his personal guards. It was impressive."

"The Daimyo owed us money," Kakuzu explained. "Two other members of our organization did a job for him a while ago, and he didn't want to pay."

"I caught that." Sho the Ghost sighed. "Nobility was so much more noble in my day. The whole world's gone to seed."

Kakuzu was inclined to agree. "Honor is dead. All young people want these days is the glory, with none of the work."

"Bunch of amateurs they are, too. When I was alive, a good ninja was a subtle ninja. Now it's all about who has the flashiest jutsus." He sighed again. "Stomping around announcing themselves to all and sundry, telling their opponents the names of their attacks… Ridiculous."

"My partner is the worst for that," said Kakuzu. "He's the dumbest shinobi I ever met. I have no idea how he survived as long as he did, before he became immortal."

"He's a priest, isn't he?"

"I guess so. He says he is. I think his religion's made up, myself."

"Ah." Sho the Ghost rocked back on his heels, looking thoughtful.

"So… can I ask how you died?"

"Oh, I suppose. I was on sentry duty outside my village one night. I went into one of the guard towers to smoke because it was the middle of a thunderstorm, and as soon as I lit up, the tower was struck by lightning. I died instantly."

He took a drag off his ghostly cigarette, looking depressed.

"Not a very good death, is it?" he asked sorrowfully.

If the Village Hidden in the Swamp had been anything like the Village Hidden in the Waterfall, Kakuzu guessed that death in battle was the only honorable way to go. He himself had spent many long years wondering if he would have been better off being killed by Senju Hashirama; had he died with the respect of his village, then at least his passing would have been mourned. There was no one left to do that now, when his time finally came.

"Is that why you became a ghost?" he asked. "Because you didn't get the death you wanted?"

"That's my unfinished business, yes," Sho the Ghost confirmed.

"But… not to be rude, but you're already dead," said Kakuzu. "You can't die a second time."

"Ah!" Sho straightened up. "I thought the same thing for a long time. But then, I saw you and your partner. Tell me- can he perform exorcisms?"

{}{}{}{}{}

Six Weeks Earlier

"Hello."

Kakuzu jumped and yanked the shower curtain closed.

"I'm taking a shower," he said unnecessarily.

"Oh, sorry," said Sho the Ghost. He perched himself on the sink. "I forgot how modest the living are. Ghosts aren't much interested in nudity, you know."

"…How's your project going?"

"Oh, not very well." Sho rested his chin on his hand and sighed. "Your partner isn't very attuned to spirits, for a priest. I think I startled the one with the long hair the other day, though."

"Itachi?"

"Mmm, that's him. I suspect it's because he keeps his doujutsu activated all the time. It must give him some ability to see me."

Kakuzu lathered his hair with shampoo.

"You should clean your bathtub," Sho the Ghost commented. "I've heard you can get lung diseases from the mold."

"I'll get it around to it at some point. Is there something in particular you needed?"

"There is, actually. I was hoping that maybe you could drop some hints that I'm here. Just to get him on the right track."

"I thought you said you had to do everything on your own, to make him a true enemy."

"That would best, but I've never haunted a place before," Sho the Ghost admitted. "Not properly. It's harder than I thought. All the other ghosts are telling me I'm garbage at it."

That made Kakuzu pause. "'Other ghosts?' Are there more here?"

"Oh, you know." He waved his hand vaguely. "They come and go. No one stays long- they say it's dull here. No offense."

"None taken. What have you tried, besides thumping around in the walls?"

"I smashed a plate, but he didn't seem to think much of it, and I tried throwing things around the living room at night, but…" He shrugged. "I couldn't stand looking at the mess. So I picked them all up again."

Kakuzu stepped back under the spray of water. "There's your mistake, then."

"Well, I _did_ put everything back in a different spot. My way is much more organized. By the way, I couldn't help but notice that you have no curtains. And that there's no hand soap in here.

"They make antibacterial kinds now," he prodded when Kakuzu didn't answer. "Just think how many diseases from when we were young were eliminated by people washing their hands with antibacterial soap."

"Mmm. I'm thinking about Hidan- you have to understand, he doesn't pick up on subtleties well. You would have to make yourself more obvious."

Sho the Ghost's brow wrinkled. "Haunt more obviously. Alright."

"Yes. Maybe you could show yourself to Itachi a few more times, since he can see you. I'm sure he would pass the message on to everyone else."

"It's an idea," Sho the Ghost agreed. "Thank you."

"Sure," said Kakuzu, leaning back to peek at him around the shower curtain. "Um… Before you leave, did you come with Hidan and I on our mission the other day? I'm only asking because we ran into a few Grass-nin who seemed a bit…"

"Distracted?" Sho the Ghost suggested. "I can only be visible in a house. Actually, for some reason I think I can only be visible in this bathroom. I couldn't warn you they were up ahead, so I threw a rock at one of them- it got them to think there was an enemy coming from the opposite direction, at least. I thought it might give you an edge."

"Oh. They were an ANBU squad, you know," said Kakuzu. "So… thanks."

"You're welcome. I'm off to haunt now, wish me luck."

{}{}{}{}{}

Five Weeks Earlier

Having just returned from Amegakure proper, Kakuzu stopped by the bathroom to put the bottle of soap he'd bought in town next to the sink.

"Oh, good, you got it."

Sho was standing behind him, sounding pleased; the overhead light suddenly seemed to be glowing much brighter than usual.

"I won't have to bleach everything so much now, if everyone's hands are clean."

"I thought it might be a good thing to have," said Kakuzu. He glanced out into the hallway to make sure no one was there listening, and closed the door. "How's the haunting? Itachi hasn't said anything about seeing you."

The light dimmed. "He hasn't been using this bathroom," Sho informed him sadly. "For some reason it's only this one where people can see me. I have no idea why."

"Oh. Well, he'll come in here eventually. Everyone's started to notice all the banging at night, so that's something."

"Yeah, I suppose. Hidan hasn't noticed, though, has he?"

"He will," Kakuzu assured him. "Give him some time."

Sho the Ghost sighed, then perked up when he saw Kakuzu's other purchase from the village.

"Is that _The Road to Suna_?" he asked with interest. "I read that book when it first came out, but I haven't seen a copy of it in years."

"You've read it?" Kakuzu glanced down at the worn book in his hand. "Is it good? There's a used bookstore in the village that I go to sometimes. I just picked it up because I thought it might be interesting."

"It is good. It's part of a series, you know- they're travelogues. There are ten of them all told."

"I always liked serials," said Kakuzu. "What are they about? I just read the first page in the shop."

Sho the Ghost rocked back on his heels. "They're about a brother and sister whose father dies and leaves them in debt, so they decide to take over his traveling merchant business. It's a comedy."

"Did you ever read _Paradise Awaits_?" Kakuzu asked. "It's also about siblings traveling together, except the brother is escorting his sister to her fiance's home in Whirlpool Country for her wedding."

"…And he can't read maps, and she wants an adventure before she gets married, so she leads him all over the continent first? That's one of my favorites." Sho the Ghost gave a snort of laughter. "I thought Yukiji was the ideal woman after I read it. I wanted to marry someone who reminded me of her, if I ever got married."

Kakuzu smiled nostalgically. "I liked Kimiko from _The River God_. I was only fifteen when I first read it- I copied down the passage where Matsuo confesses his love to her and sent it to a girl in the village."

"Did it work?"

"No," Kakuzu admitted. "She couldn't read."

Sho laughed outright this time. "That's a shame. Reciting poetry and lines from romances used to be so fashionable, remember? I can't tell you how many marriages in my village started with a haiku."

"I had a friend," said Kakuzu, settling on the edge of the bathtub to tell the story, "who used to write love poems and sell them. He said they were individualized, but he would reuse ones he thought were really good. We kept telling him it would get him in trouble someday. So one time, I remember he…"

{}{}{}{}{}

A Month Earlier

Kakuzu stepped into the bathroom and closed the door.

"Sho?" he whispered. "Are you here?"

"Yes," Sho said testily. "Even though believing in ghosts is 'stupid,' I'm here."

"What was I supposed to say? You told me to act like I usually do. You said you wanted to do everything yourself, if you recall."

"I didn't say to work against me," said Sho.

"I'm not. They found your chore chart, so that's something."

"Yes. I don't suppose anyone will follow it, though, will they?"

"No." Kakuzu cracked a lopsided smile. "Maybe you should stick around to keep the house up to your standards."

"Hmm."

"Come on, don't be so worried. Look- I got a book for you while I was in the village."

He handed him a copy of _Country of the Samurai_. "It's by the same author who wrote _Paradise Awaits_, but it's not well known. I'd be curious to know what you think of it."

"Oh." Sho looked it over. "I never read this one. Thank you."

"Sure. Hidan and I have a mission coming up in a few days. Will you be coming?"

"I suppose. There's no reason for me to stay here without him."

"Good. It's only a minor thing, but I was hoping to stop by the Lily Village in Fire Country to look for a bounty on the way back."

Sho went stiff. "I don't care for Fire Country much," he said tersely. "It's too hot and humid there this time of year. The whole place is a breeding ground for bacteria."

"I see." Kakuzu though it over. "Well, I guess I don't need another bounty _that_ much."

{}{}{}{}{}

A Week Earlier

"I know you're here."

No answer.

"They were planning to go to Pein-sama," Kakuzu explained. "They thought someone had broken in. He would have been furious that we allowed that to happen- I had to look out for myself, in this case."

Nothing.

"Hidan's realizing that something's going on, at any rate. He said he knew I didn't write on the mirror."

Sho materialized, regarding Kakuzu with an air of suspicion. "I heard. You seemed eager to convince him otherwise."

"Well, I can't very well come out and say 'There's a ghost here who wants to you exorcise him,' can I? He'd think I was crazy, and it would ruin your whole plan."

"It would," Sho conceded, "but I can't help but feel you're trying to sabotage me, Kakuzu."

"Don't be foolish."

They were silent for a moment.

"Did you finish _Country of the Samurai_?"

"Yes." Sho pulled it out of his pocket and looked the cover over critically. "I can see why it's not as popular. The characterization was just terrible… the only decent parts were the battle scenes."

"My thoughts exactly. I heard it's being made into a movie- we should go, to see if it's better than the book. I'm sure the special effects are going to be good."

"When's it coming out?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "Not for awhile. Next year, I think."

"I won't be here by then," Sho reminded him.

"Right, of course not."

{}{}{}{}{}

Yesterday

Kakuzu paced restlessly from one end of the bathroom to the other. He had rushed up here after Hidan exiled him from his séance, and he'd heard Deidara stomp past nearly half an hour earlier, but there was still no sign of Sho.

He knew he was being selfish. He knew preventing a spirit from finding peace and moving into their afterlife was wrong on the most fundamental level, but he'd never been one to concern himself with morality.

It had been a long time since Kakuzu had had someone he could honestly call a friend. Given their lifestyle and their necessary paranoia, missing-nins always had a difficult time forming connections with other people, but the fact that he was so old made it especially hard. There were sixty years and several generations between him and the rest of Akatsuki. Aside from the uniform, what did he have in common with these young men?

He and Sho understood each other. They had similar interests, similar backgrounds. They were both relics.

"Do you know how hard it is," a voice said suddenly, "to find a shinobi who also happens to be a priest?"

Sho was standing next to him, looking furious.

"In seventy years, I've only met one. I will _not_ let you ruin this chance for me."

"Hidan is truly immortal," Kakuzu told him. "He'll be around to exorcise you forever-"

"I don't want to wait forever!" Sho interrupted. "I've waited too long already. I do not _belong_ here anymore, Kakuzu."

"We're the same age. I'm still here."

Sho crossed his arms. "I'm not you. My time has come and gone, and everyone I knew in life has died and gone to… whatever comes next. That's where I need to be."

"It's not. There are still things worth staying here for, aren't there?"

Sho gave him a hard look. "Do you know why ghosts don't contact the living more often?" he asked.

"Why?"

"Because there's no point. We died; someday- no matter what advice or warnings or help we might give them- they'll die. Everyone must move forward, but we all have to do it alone, and in our own time. That's just the way of things.

"Would you kill yourself now so we could be dead together?"

"…No."

"What you're asking me to do is no different."

Neither of them spoke for a while.

"He wants to have another séance tonight- I'm going to show myself. Do you remember the exorcism scene in _The River God_?"

Kakuzu nodded mutely.

"I saw it done once. It works. If you were ever my friend, you'll show him how."

He vanished, probably for the last time.

Kakuzu stared at the fresh bottle of antiseptic hand soap he'd bought a few days earlier, and considered what he was about to do.

{}{}{}{}{}

Two Months Later

"I don't give a fuck if you're immortal, Kakuzu, I will _find_ a way to murder you if we get caught. What the hell are we even doing here?"

"Shut up. Be patient."

He and Hidan were in the hall of records of Vine Country, home of the former Village Hidden in the Swamp. He'd insisted they make a detour here while returning from a mission in Iwa; the only problem was that Amegakure was not on good terms with the nation, and so they had no choice but to sneak in after hours.

They'd arrived shortly after ten, and it was now closing in on two in the morning. Kakuzu had spent the night pouring over old death records; Hidan had spent it complaining.

They were taking an enormous risk, he was willing to admit, but there were some things in life that were worth taking risks for.

His final resting place would be Zetsu. He wanted a more dignified one for Sho.

_Maeda Sho. B. March 17__th__, 1918. D. August 2__nd__, 1944._

A thrill of excitement rushed through him, and he hunched over the ledger eagerly. This might be it.

_Male. Unmarried. No children. Shinobi; Village Hidden in the Swamp._

It was. It had to be. He committed the dates to memory to put on the grave marker later, before allowing his eyes to fall on the last notation.

_Died in Land of Fire; dysentery._

…Well. That certainly put things into perspective. It made his desire for a more glorious (or at least less embarrassing) death that much more understandable. It also explained his distaste for Fire Country, as well as his obsession with cleanliness.

Still, Kakuzu thought, he would go with the 'struck by lightning' story on Sho's grave.

Some things were best kept secret.


End file.
